Online dating advice is often written as though every reader has the same support, the same experience of reading between the lines and the same confidence in saying no. Mencap, the learning disability charity, publishes advice that speaks directly to people with a learning disability, and to the people who support them. This guide summarises that advice on staying safe when using dating sites and meeting someone new. It is general guidance rather than legal advice.
The starting point: the same rights as anyone else
Mencap’s relationships pages state that friendships and relationships are an important part of everyone’s life, including people with a learning disability. They say that people with a learning disability have the same rights as anyone else to express their sexuality and to have personal and sexual relationships if they want to. Safety advice, on this view, is about supporting confident choices rather than discouraging dating.
Understanding that people online may not be who they say
Mencap’s Easy Read guide “Online relationships and staying safe”, first published in June 2023, explains the basic risks in plain language. People can tell lies on the internet and may not be what they seem: they can use different names and pretend to be someone else. If you do not know a person in real life, they are a stranger. The guide’s advice includes:
- never give out personal information to strangers, such as your name, address, family information, phone number or bank details;
- keep passwords private;
- ask for help if you do not know how to use the internet safely, because there are people who can help you learn;
- be careful what you post, because everyone can see it and nothing online is private;
- do not tell people online where you are, or post about being home alone.
Choosing who to talk to and what to send
On social media, the guide suggests asking three questions before adding someone: do I know this person, how well do I know them, and do I trust them? If a person sends nasty messages, the advice is to tell someone you trust, who can help find ways to stop them. Mencap also warns that people can save photos sent by message or Snapchat. If someone sends photos of their private parts, others can save them and post them online. The section on choosing a dating site says that a person who wants to use one can ask someone who supports them to help find the right one.
Meeting someone for the first time
The Easy Read guide says that anyone meeting a person through a dating agency should meet in a public place and tell someone. It adds that a good dating agency will have someone to support a first date, if the person wants that. In another Mencap piece on dating, the author Amy Clarke, writing in 2015 from her own experience, offers a list of dos that includes:
- telling friends about the date, and even asking someone to sit near where you are meeting if you feel scared;
- meeting in a public place rather than at home;
- wearing comfortable shoes, so that a quick exit is possible if needed;
- charging your phone so you can call friends or a taxi afterwards, and bringing money for the taxi.
Her list of don’ts includes giving too much information about yourself, rushing into things, and staying on a date you do not want to be on. She writes that it is sensible not to go back to the other person’s place until you have met a few more times, and that if a date is not going well, a polite excuse to leave is reasonable because “you have a right to a safe and happy life”.
Support from family, carers and services
Mencap’s guidance repeatedly points to support from other people: asking someone who supports you to help choose a site, having someone at a first date if wanted, and telling a trusted person about problems. Its relationships pages also offer the Learning Disability Helpline, which can be contacted by phone or email, and an online community for parents and family carers of people with a learning disability, as well as Easy Read pages on online relationships, going on a date and ending a relationship.
Where safety and independence meet
The Mencap material frames safety as a way of supporting dating, not a reason to avoid it, and offers practical steps that the person can choose to use: a friend who knows where they are, a public first meeting, a charged phone and a plan for getting home. Supporters may find that the same steps, explained in plain language and rehearsed beforehand, help the person feel prepared.
Frequently asked questions
Should a support worker come on a first date?
Mencap says a good dating agency will have someone to support a first date if the person wants that. The choice is the person’s.
What if a date becomes uncomfortable?
The dating advice Mencap published says not to stay on a date you do not want to be on and that a polite excuse to leave is acceptable.
The bottom line
People with a learning disability have the same right to relationships as everyone else, and Mencap’s guidance focuses on practical safeguards: keeping personal details private, remembering that online people may not be who they say, being careful with photos, choosing a dating site with support if wanted, and meeting first in a public place after telling someone. The person’s own choices and comfort remain central throughout.