Scope, a UK disability charity, publishes guidance for disabled people on meeting new people and on relationships. This article summarises the parts most relevant to online dating: whether and when to talk about a condition, how to arrange a first meeting, what to do about intrusive or offensive behaviour, and how to discuss needs and consent. It is general information. For disability-specific dating safety advice on other topics, see this site’s guides on online dating safety for people with a learning disability and online dating and autism.
Whether and when to talk about a condition
Scope says it is up to the individual whether to share information about an impairment or condition with new people, and that there is no right or wrong time and no right or wrong way. It advises doing what feels comfortable, and being yourself. It notes that people often follow the other person’s lead, and that they are more likely to be comfortable if the person is.
Scope describes two broad approaches. Some people prefer to be open and positive when they feel ready, invite questions if that helps and talk about shared interests to keep the conversation balanced. Others prefer to get to know someone first, perhaps after a couple of hours, after a few meetings or once they become good friends, because they worry that the other person will only see the condition or judge them. Scope emphasises that how much to tell someone is up to the individual. It shares accounts from disabled people, including one who suggests explaining how a condition affects you day to day, for example that you cannot hear someone calling from across a room.
Arranging to meet in person
Scope acknowledges that once someone has met a person online they may feel more comfortable meeting up, and it says it is hard to know for sure that the person is being honest. Its tips for a first meeting are:
- Meet in a public place where there are lots of people around, such as a pub, cafe or park.
- Take a friend, who could sit nearby and make sure you are safe.
- Tell someone where you are going, who you are meeting and what time you expect to finish.
- Agree a time that you will call or text to say that you are OK.
- Be careful about giving someone your phone number before you meet, because everything should be possible to arrange online.
Scope adds that people can come across differently in person than online, and suggests going with an open mind even if you do not get on. This site’s first-date safety checklist covers general precautions for any dater.
Chaperoned and support-based options
For people who want support, Scope mentions Luv2MeetU, which it describes as a friendship and relationship service for adults with learning disabilities and autistic people. It says the service arranges events for members and can set up meetings between members with a chaperone. Scope also lists Meetup for local interest groups and Bumble For Friends for friendships rather than romance. For people who prefer to meet others with shared experience of disability, it suggests local support groups, which it says often consider barriers such as the timing or location of meetings.
Rude questions and offensive behaviour
Scope says not everyone understands disability, and that some people ask direct, invasive or rude questions. Its suggestions include sharing something you are happy to talk about, explaining the condition in simple terms, saying you are not comfortable answering, or explaining why the question was rude or insensitive. Scope says these approaches can help people understand without a person saying more than they want to. It also states that if someone experiences discrimination or bullying because they are disabled, this could be disability hate crime. For the legal position and reporting routes, see this site’s guide to hate crime and dating apps in England, Wales and Scotland.
Talking about what you want and need
In its guide to intimacy, disability and relationships, Scope says a person should feel safe and comfortable, which means building trust: sharing thoughts and feelings about expectations and seeing how the partner responds. It says nobody has to talk about everything at once, and it is fine to say you are not comfortable speaking about something yet. Its advice on communication includes:
- Explain why you do or do not want to do something, because when people do not understand why, they can feel confused, upset or rejected.
- Listen to each other, avoid blame and start with a positive, then offer a solution.
- Check that a partner is happy with physical contact, and ask permission, for example “Can I kiss you?” Scope says asking can add to the intimacy, and preferences may change during a relationship.
- Tell your partner if you do not like something.
Scope notes that talking openly matters for people who have care support, such as a personal assistant, or physical challenges, and that if a partner is also caring for the person, it is important to talk. It also suggests that texting, phone calls or video chat can help people stay connected and can give privacy when time alone together is difficult.
Frequently asked questions
Does a disabled person have to disclose a condition on a dating profile?
Scope says it is up to the individual, and that there is no right or wrong time or way to share this information.
Is it safe to give a new match a phone number?
Scope advises being careful about giving a phone number before meeting, and says everything should be possible to arrange online.
The bottom line
Scope’s guidance treats disclosure as a personal choice, recommends a public first meeting with a friend nearby and someone told of the plans, and encourages open, blame-free conversation about needs and consent. Offensive behaviour aimed at a person because of disability can amount to disability hate crime, and Scope points to the chaperoned Luv2MeetU service and local groups for people who want more support.