Online dating starts with sharing small pieces of technology: a phone number, a social handle, sometimes a shared location or a streaming login. In most relationships that stays harmless. In a controlling one, the same access can become a way to monitor, harass or intimidate. This guide summarises the Tech Safety guidance published by Refuge, the domestic abuse charity, and applies wherever the person is living, although the support numbers quoted are UK services. It is general information, not a safety plan.
What tech abuse is
Refuge says technology-facilitated abuse is real and that abusers may use technology to control, harass or intimidate. Its list of forms includes harassment through unwanted messages, emails, posts or calls; hacking into phones, emails or accounts; cyberstalking to track movements and activities; constant check-ins about location, activities and contacts; sharing or threatening to share intimate images; location tracking through phones, apps or family accounts; taking over social media, email or banking accounts; and misuse of smart home devices such as cameras and speakers. Refuge also describes economic abuse carried out through technology, such as monitoring and restricting access to banking. Our guides to coercive control in early dating and economic abuse cover the behaviour patterns behind these tactics.
What a phone holds
Refuge’s guide to securing a phone explains why access matters. A phone has a camera and microphone, motion sensors that track movement and Wi-Fi connections that continue when mobile service is off, and cloud storage may hold browsing history, calls, messages, location data, travel speed, payments and photos. It warns that if someone else pays your phone bill or knows your password, they likely have access to your location, call history and other data. For a person who has recently begun dating, the practical lesson is that shared accounts, shared plans and shared passwords deserve caution.
Location: the details that are easy to miss
Refuge’s location guide says that a person can switch off some location sharing on iPhones and Android phones, but that emergency services and mobile providers can still access a phone’s location whenever it is on. Cloud accounts such as Apple ID and Google have features for finding a lost phone, which can be misused by anyone with access, particularly through family sharing. Many apps also collect and share location, and Refuge points to privacy controls in Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, Twitter, TikTok, Snapchat and LinkedIn. It lists other risks: location data stored in photo metadata, small tracking devices hidden in bags, backpacks or gifts, spyware installed by someone with access to the phone, and other people posting location information without meaning to. See our guide to what dating photos reveal for the photo side of this.
Steps Refuge suggests
For securing a phone, Refuge lists these steps:
- Use a trusted device to contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 if monitoring is suspected.
- Change the password for the Apple ID (iPhone) or Google Account (Android).
- Set a lock or passcode on the phone.
- Turn off location sharing.
- Review apps, delete those not in use, adjust their location and privacy settings, and change the associated passwords.
- Block harassing numbers.
The important warnings
Refuge is explicit that security changes carry a risk. It says that some actions taken to increase security or privacy might alert an abuser, who might escalate their abusive behaviour. In its location guide it warns that removing location tracking can lead abusers to escalate their violence and can also destroy evidence, and it advises reviewing safety information and considering advice from authorities before making changes. On blocking, it advises following the guides to secure the phone or account first, so that the person cannot get back in and unblock themselves. This is why the helpline route comes first in the list above. Our guides to stalking law and support and documenting suspicious behaviour explain how to keep evidence.
Support and further tools
The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is described by Refuge as available 24 hours a day, on 0808 2000 247, with an online chat service at set hours, British Sign Language support and translation services. Refuge’s Tech Safety site also offers step-by-step guides for Android and iPhone, for Google and Apple accounts and for social media, plus a Digital Breakup tool to review apps. In an emergency, Refuge advises calling 999.
Frequently asked questions
Can switching off location sharing hide a phone completely? No. Refuge says emergency services and mobile providers can still access the location whenever the phone is on.
Is it safe to remove tracking straight away? Refuge warns that removing tracking can lead abusers to escalate and can destroy evidence, so it advises reading its safety information and seeking support first.
Where can help be found? The National Domestic Abuse Helpline, on 0808 2000 247 according to Refuge.
The bottom line
Technology can be used to monitor and control a partner through location, accounts and devices. Refuge’s guidance is to secure phones and accounts methodically, keep passwords private, and take specialist advice first because security changes can alert an abuser. Support is available at any hour through the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.