Ghosting — simply stopping all contact with someone you’ve been messaging or dating, with no explanation — has become the default way a lot of online dating interactions end. It’s also, according to the psychological research on the receiving end of it, genuinely harmful in ways that are easy to underestimate. Here’s what that research actually says, and what a better way to end things looks like.
Why ghosting hurts more than a normal “no”
Psychology Today’s coverage of the research is clear that ghosting isn’t simply an awkward but harmless way to avoid a difficult conversation — it undermines fundamental psychological needs around social connection, personal agency and a sense of competence in reading social situations. Being ghosted is linked to decreased wellbeing and increased mental distress, and has been associated with heightened risk of depression and anxiety symptoms in the people it happens to.
Part of why it lands so hard is the ambiguity. A clear rejection, even an unwelcome one, gives you information and something to process. Silence gives you nothing — which means the mind tends to fill that gap itself, usually with self-blaming explanations that may have little to do with what actually happened.
How common it’s become
Ghosting has become common enough in app-based dating that many people treat it as an unspoken default ending, rather than an exception — which is itself part of the problem the research points to. The low-accountability structure of swipe-based dating, where matches are plentiful and any individual connection feels replaceable, tends to lower the perceived cost of simply disappearing compared with, say, ending things with someone met through mutual friends or a shared social circle.
Why people do it anyway
The same research identifies two common justifications people give themselves for ghosting. The first is a kind of moral reasoning — deciding someone’s behaviour (rudeness, disrespect, a red flag) “deserved” being cut off without explanation. The second, more common reason is simply discomfort avoidance: people, especially those uncomfortable with confrontation or conflict, ghost because it’s easier than having even a brief, honest exchange. Psychology Today’s assessment of this second justification is blunt — it reflects a lack of maturity, courage and empathy more than it reflects genuine unkindness in most cases.
A better way to end things
The alternative doesn’t need to be a long, difficult conversation. Both Psychology Today’s research summary and general dating-etiquette guidance converge on the same basic approach:
- Send a short, honest message. Something as brief as “You seem great, but I don’t think this is a match for me — good luck out there” is enough. You don’t owe a detailed explanation.
- Scale the effort to the investment. A single message exchange doesn’t need the same closure as several dates or weeks of conversation — but even minimal investment deserves more than total silence if you were previously engaged and responsive.
- Prepare a general response in advance so you’re not composing something difficult in the moment — having a go-to, polite closing line reduces the friction that pushes people towards ghosting instead.
- Do it promptly rather than letting messages go unanswered for a stretch and then trailing off — a delayed non-response is its own form of ambiguity.
When disappearing without explanation is the right call
This guidance comes with one clear exception: safety overrides etiquette. If someone has been harassing, aggressive, has violated a boundary you set, or has made you feel unsafe in any way, you owe them nothing — no explanation, no closure message, no further contact. Disappearing, blocking and reporting the account (most dating apps have a reporting mechanism for exactly this) is the appropriate response, not a breach of etiquette.
If you’re the one who’s been ghosted
Knowing that ghosting reflects the other person’s discomfort with conflict more than it reflects your own worth doesn’t make it sting less in the moment, but it is useful, accurate information rather than just a comforting platitude — research on why people ghost consistently points to avoidance, not judgment, as the driver. Resisting the urge to send repeated follow-up messages, however tempting, tends to protect your own sense of agency better than continuing to chase a response that isn’t coming; at some point, silence is itself the answer, even without the words.
If ghosting after even minimal investment is a repeated pattern in your own dating experience — not a one-off — it may be worth reflecting on the kinds of connections or platforms where it’s happening most, since some environments (certain apps, certain match sourcing methods) tend to correlate with lower accountability and more casual disengagement than others.
The bottom line
Ghosting is common, but the research is fairly consistent that it causes real, measurable distress to the person on the receiving end — more than it often feels like it will from the ghoster’s side. A brief, honest message takes very little effort and spares someone unnecessary uncertainty, while genuine safety concerns remain a clear, legitimate exception to the general rule.