Romance scams work precisely because they don’t feel like scams while they’re happening — they feel like a genuine, fast-moving connection. That’s not an accident; it’s the deliberate design of the tactic. Understanding the specific playbook makes it much easier to notice when you’re inside one.
Love bombing: the opening move
FTC guidance describes “love bombing” as scammers expressing strong emotions — deep affection, talk of a future together, even declarations of love — within a surprisingly short period of time, often days or a couple of weeks rather than the months a genuine connection usually takes to develop that intensity. This isn’t romantic impatience; it’s designed to create emotional investment and trust quickly, before red flags would normally get noticed or questioned.
Avoiding real verification
A consistent pattern across romance scam cases is avoidance of anything that would confirm the person is who their profile claims: refusing video calls, repeatedly cancelling planned in-person meetings at the last minute, always having a plausible-sounding reason (a work trip, a family emergency, unreliable internet) for why a call or meeting can’t happen right now. A single postponed video call isn’t necessarily a red flag on its own, but a consistent pattern of avoidance, especially stretching over weeks or months, is one of the clearest signals something is wrong.
The invented crisis
Once trust is established, most romance scams introduce a financial need, usually framed as a crisis rather than a request. According to FTC data, a notably common version is that the scammer (or a family member) claims to be sick, hurt, or in jail. Other frequent variants include a stranded-abroad story, a business or investment opportunity they want to “let you in on,” customs fees to release a supposedly valuable package, or medical costs for a fabricated emergency. The specific story varies, but the underlying structure — an urgent, emotionally charged reason that only money can immediately solve — is consistent.
Isolating you from other perspectives
Scammers frequently, and often subtly, discourage contact with friends or family, or react negatively when you mention discussing the relationship with someone else. This matters because an outside perspective is one of the most effective ways to spot a scam in progress — someone not emotionally involved will often notice inconsistencies immediately that are much harder to see from inside the relationship. If a partner you’ve never met in person seems uncomfortable with you talking to others about them, that discomfort is itself worth paying attention to.
Inconsistencies and evasiveness
FTC guidance also points to inconsistent details across conversations — a changed job, a different city, a shifting backstory — and evasiveness or vagueness when asked direct, detailed questions. A genuine person building a real relationship generally welcomes getting to know you better through specific questions; a scammer managing possibly several targets simultaneously often struggles to maintain a consistent, detailed story over time.
A practical checklist
- Has this person expressed strong feelings unusually fast, before you’ve had much real verification of who they are?
- Have they consistently avoided video calls or in-person meetings, with a new reason each time?
- Have they asked for money, gift cards, cryptocurrency, or financial details, framed around an urgent need?
- Do their story details shift or not quite add up over multiple conversations?
- Do they discourage you from discussing the relationship with friends or family?
None of these signs alone proves a scam, and people in genuine long-distance relationships can occasionally match one or two by coincidence. But several together, especially combined with any request for money, is a strong enough signal to stop, step back, and verify independently before continuing.
What to do if you recognise these signs
- Stop sending money immediately, and don’t send any further payment “to fix” a previous one
- Do a reverse image search on their profile photos and talk to a friend or family member about the situation
- Report the profile to the dating app or platform, which can remove it and warn other users
- Report it to Action Fraud (actionfraud.police.uk) if you’re in the UK, particularly if money has been sent